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RobertMugabe
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Name: Robert
Country: Zimbabwe
Birthday: 2/21/1924
Gender: Male
Interests: winning the lottery, listening to Bjork/ Michael Bolton/ 50 Cent/ Limp Bizkit , long walks, watching TV, hanging out with friends, hitting gay people in the nuts with a baseball bat.
Expertise: creative economics, conspiring with Mbeki, competitive weightlifting,
Occupation: Government
Industry: Banking/Finance
Message: message me
Member Since:
2/21/2004
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| Man I've been totally busy lately. What with running a country and crushing the Movement For Democratic whatsits in the election and all. Democracy, i've heard that word somewhere before...........oh yeah, when I was out pub crawling as a student.
(flashback! oooOOOooooOOOooOOOoooh)
Oh man, we were so drunk and we stumbling into this one bar (it was the 6th or 7th one I think) in downtown Harare and guess what? It was a GAY bar. Yup, thats right, a flaming gay bar, and everyone was walking around in biker outfits (you know the ones with the seats of the pants cut out) and what not (more not than what. :P) saying "Hi, I'm democrat" and "Hey, democrats rock!" or "Barbara Streisand is just fabulous!".
Typical.
All seriousness aside, I'm really not sure what all the fuss is about really. "Let the people rule"??? HA! It barely works for you stupid americans; LOOK WHOSE RUNNING YOUR COUNTRY BIZNATCHES!!
Yeah you guys are a real shining example of what democracy can do for the world.
And around here it would be even worse! People can hardly keep their own houses from falling over, let alone elect representatives to keep a house of parliament running.
Think I'm joking? Millions of shops and residences all over Harare are (were) horrific hazards to those living within them. I mean I give these ingrates more land than they can shake a stick at and they can't even muster ONE palace between the lot of them. Bah!
So, being the caring leader that I am, I sent my inspection crews around to suss out the extent of the problem. Needless to say, the mere rumble of the inspector's bulldozers sent half of the crude dwellings crashing to the ground. The rest were just too dangerous to be left standing so, naturally, they had to be taken down as well.
Which, by the way, was an act of utter genius on the part of yours truly. Just think about it; Zim has a crime problem, criminals are people, people sleep, where do they sleep? In houses of course!! And since poor people are criminals, almost by right of birth (lol), by demolishing so many houses I must have cleaned up on all the filthy degenerates as well!
Man, I rock.
And for all you player haters out there who think I don't own this country: THINK AGAIN SUCKAZ. How else could I throw all those colonial hoes out on their lilly white ears huh?
I'm just so stoked about it I decided to start this xanga page and tell all you worthless kids about it. You should be grateful.
Out. | | |
| Do you have your own country?
Didn't think so.
.Loser. | | |
| Okay okay. I know I haven't posted in quite some time. So sue me!! Haha. Man I love that joke.
Want to know why? Because you cant!!!!111LOLZ!!!
Anyway. Ive been a bit down lately :(
That charlize skank hasn't called and Zimbabwe didn't achieve that goal of getting 30 gold medals that I set. Its a colonial plot I tell you, them mocking us with all those wreaths. I can spot an agri-business metaphor a mile away you swines!!! Try and insult me? "Oooh, look at us. We have all these leafy things to throw around willy nilly cause we're so rich and snooty and smelly and have white people running around naked on all our farms drinking G and Ts and snorting coke"
Well they can keep their stinking branches, and medals and "employment". And that little white girl doing so well in the swimming!?! Well. She should come over to MY pool and I'll show her how to really make some waves.
I got this shweet little remote control boat that just rips up the surf man. Awesome.
Oh yeah, and then there's that little issue of being voted 3rd greatest african OF ALL TIME!!!! Must've been right behind Tupac and 50cent (wurd out to my niggaz!). But I mean I expected this. Really. I realized that not even the thought of giving the ol firing squad heve-ho to that Thatcher brat could heal the rift in my misunderstood heart. Charlize leaving me was just the last straw man. You dig?
I realized that there comes a time when a brother just has to take a look around and say "I gotta keep it real dog".
Guyz (and Galz)... I've decided to go Emo.
Now now. Dont try and talk me out of it. Ive already bought my discount half dozen pack of anarchism related badges, my stripey puma track top, my townships (and yes I have already drawn on them in a rebellious manner!) and my plugs. I also have an appointment to get extensions. Dead straight, black and most of all, just messy enough so people think I dont care about that sort of thing. This is what I'm into now and if you people can't support me then, well......you dont understand me at all! I'm just too deep. Like the ocean. An ocean of tears, cried by fish. Emo fish who write poetry and keep journals and take photos of themselves.
But back to me:
I really feel as if this is the dawning (or um, "clouding over") of a new era for me. Ive already spoken to Muamar Gadaffi and a few of Saddam's nephews and we're gonna start a band.
The burning tabacco fields of my soul are already crying the pricey petrol tears of solitude that only an emancipator of the people can truly feel.
I hurt.
Big time.
*teartear* <3<3<3 | | |
| Man. Up until a few moments ago I really hated that Charlize Theron. No I mean really hated her. First of all, she's white! I hate white people. Second of all, shes African. Man I hate white africans. Thirdly, she lived on a farm! White, lived on a farm in africa, krikey! I didn't think a person could get any worse than that. That is, of course, until that person decides to become an AMERICAN!! *sounds of intermitent reaching comences here and continues for 3 hours culminating in an epileptic fit*
.......Anyway: So you can imagine my surprise when, on her whirlwind tour of South Africa meeting famous people and some guy called Mandela, she graciously extended an invitation to pop over to Zim and meet with me. Her agent said that it was about children or world peace or some other such nonsense. So, despite my unreserved loathing for every atom that comprises her being, I accepted (feeling rather flattered in fact). So she came over for tea and cigars. Our conversation went something like this:
C: Hey Bob, I must say, this is an absolute honour.
Me: Whats up with that accent!? Quit frontin' foo!
C: um....well.....It's complicated.
Me: Whatever! Speak to my black cancerous midget hand beeyotch. Are you ashamed to be an African or something?!?!
C: Um...you see.....actually yes. Yes I am. I hate africa. And black people. Can't stand 'em.
Me: Wow. Really?! What a coincidence. So do I! That's actually what all that farm business was about. Starving black people. Worked like a machine! Who da man!
C: Erm, yeah, in fact, thats why I shot my dad. He was black. It's a little known fact but yeah, I popped a cap in his ass.
Me: Hmmmmm. It seems as if I have misjudged you Charlize-
C: Please, call me Charlie. That was my name before the sex change afterall.
Me: And you had a sex change? We do have alot in common!
C: Yeah I know. You see the real reason I called Bob was so that we could fuze into one ultra being bent on making black people's lives miserable. We could be Charbert Mugize!
Me: Man you are trippin dog! But I like the way you think. We could take over the whole of Africa! Whith your money and fame and my money and fame we would be Unstoppable!!! -MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
C:MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Me: MUWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH-snort-HAAHAHAHAHAHA!
C:MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHa.......etc etc.
______________________________________________________________
And so it continued for the rest of the night. Man I like this girl. I really do. Isn't it interesting how you can totally have the wrong perceptions about people and then be proved totally wrong? I feel like a school gir-boy again.*sigh*
Sincerely,
Bob. | | |
| Man...this whole week has just been P-A-R-T-Y.
I've been going to all sorts of parties, just trying to hang out with all the cool people my own age y'know. College students and skaters and stuff, whatever. It's been pretty cool. Every time I step in its like I make this bitchin' entrance dude. Everyone just stops what they're doing and stares and anyone who doesn't get's like totally bitch slapped (AK-47 style). It's probably cause I look so darn aerodynamic in all my president-pimp gear. Then I just make some idle chit-chat with the honeys (Like that fox Brenda Fassie!). I ask if they like music and stuff and MTV and the latest Bjork album (which is totally shweet and bitchin dude) and then I ask them if they're white (if they say yes I ask for their farm's address). If they aitent then i ask them if they'd ever met such a totally cool dog president who's so in touch with his youth yo . Yeah they dig me, I can tell. That is until they ask me for an autograph. Then it's all "WHAT?! You're not Danny Glover!" and all that stuff.
Man! I tell you what, I just don't get women. Aren' we all just lookin for the same thing they are - Cheap comfortable leopard print socks!
I am also just a human like everone else after all! If you cut me do I not bust you in the lip?! If you strike me do I not have my secret police kidnap you?! If you tickle me do I not wet my pants!? And if you love me do I not love you like a sock loves the weeping elephant?! *siiiiiiiggghhhh* Same planet, different worlds I guess.
Anyway. It does seem as though I have most of these white farmers licked though wich gives me alot of time to piss away during the day so I get around to doing a lot of reading. I've just read this book (see above).
MAN WHAT A JOKE. Tragedy?!??! WTF?!??! Those guys need to come on down to my presidential suite and I'll show them a good time. Man I throw these stylin "petrol parties" where we just keep our 4x4s, lawnmowers and a whole bunch of generators going for a whole week. We sniff the petrol dude and get totally wasted and laugh our asses off cause it's sick dope yo. I guarantee if they come to one of those parties then they won't be able to say Zimbabwe is a tragedy. They'll be saying "Zimbabwe is the party capital man. Bob is the biggest pimp on the planet! He rules! FREE BEER!!!!" | | |
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